A visit to the Medicine Man

I find that reading this with my hand draped over forehead with a southern damsel in distress voice really helps.

A cursed disease has struck me down. Its evil infection has worked its way into my fragile lungs taking hold of all my airways and strangling them with its fluid build up. I remain brave as I fight the retched mucus that refuses to leave. I tried my best to cure my ailment with potions, herbs and vitamins but to no avail. So I found myself at the local physicians office to help figure out what blasted illness had taken over my body. Sitting in the waiting room with all sorts of people I wondered what incurable disease had made my body its host. I was jolted out of my imagination when they called me back “MAUREEN” the very burly nurse with the smoky voice shouted. I slowly walked to her feeling as if I was walking to my impending doom. She quickly told me to stand on this dreaded contraption that read outlandishly high numbers as if too laugh ‘ha ha you will never weigh what you weighed before babies again!’ Horrid machine! Then she wrapped a cuff around me and began to pump horrible pressure all around my arm! I though it would never stop and wondered to myself what had I done to make this nurse, a woman who took an oath to help the people, harm me so. By the grace of God she let the air escape just as I was about to surely lose my arm. I was then lead into a cold dreary room where I was scrutinized with questions ranging from “how do you feel?” to “have you had a temperature” The nerve! Soon I was left alone to wait for the Doctor. There is not much to say about him because all he did was listen to my wheezing lungs and order the nurse to come in. I was thinking the cuff of death was as bad as is the torture could get but I was wrong. She entered the room with 2 long Q-tips. I was told to open my mouth were she then tried to stab at my uvula. I chocked and flailed but she just kept ‘swabbing’ as she called it. After not more then a minute my arm was stretched out to receive the longest needle ever! Not just one vial but 3 were filled with my precious blood. I began to wonder what sort of blood hungry factory was I in! Then I was left alone. Trapped in there little room for probably 3 days. Finally my results were in. Mycoplasma pneumoniae. Heavens was it curable!? Well apparently that meant walking pneumonia. Yes it was. Just a few shots and some meds. Soon the strongest woman I have ever seen came in “Hey baby pull down your pants” she told me. I was taken quite off guard but I knew she meant business so I did as I was told. The first one hit my left cheek. The Pain! The terrible pain! Then the second shot was given. I was feeling woozy I started to see spots. I turned to my torturer and said “I feel funny” and then…blackness. I woke up lying on the table. Pants still partway down. My hands shaking I was handed a small cup filled with a sickeningly sweet liquid. I lay there in pain and embarrassment. What else must I endure for this miserable disease? I was gently nudged out the door and for my trouble was handed 2 prescriptions. One antibiotic and one FANTASTIC cough syrup that helped me pen this little recap of the events that transcribed on Saturday morning.

* This story was ever so slightly embellished, except the pants down passing out. Oh yeah that totally happened much to my husbands amusement